


I Oughta Say No

by evil_brainmate



Series: I Get Around [2]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Masturbation, Sexual Dysfunction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-08
Updated: 2015-11-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 17:14:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5172503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evil_brainmate/pseuds/evil_brainmate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're just tryin’ to help, but we can't always fix how we hurt people."</p><p>The repercussions of Eggsy and Harry's one-night stand, in which everyone has to make everything worse before it gets better.</p><p>The long awaited follow up/fix-it to I Say Yes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Oughta Say No

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd so I apologize for any glaring errors. A thousand sincere thank you's and apologies to everyone who has waited so long for this fic. You are amazing and will finally get that happy ending!
> 
> Note there is very brief unrequited Eggsy/OFC.

“I want you to know that I hate you,” Harry's voice drawls over the line when Merlin answers his phone, and it’s only years of friendship and experience that allows him to pick up the almost indiscernible slur in Harry’s diction. Merlin glances at the clock and notices that it's only half past three, and while Harry has never been a devout believer in the no drinking before five o’clock rule (especially on his rare days off), he’s normally never this soused unless it's been a particularly rough day. Given that nothing cataclysmic has popped up on his radar in the past 24 hours, Merlin assumes it's personal.

“And here I thought you were going to propose,” Merlin replies, and settles back into his favorite chair with a cuppa to wait for Harry to get to the point.

“Not now, Merlin,” Harry groans.

“Something serious then?” Merlin asks, reaffirming what he already suspected.

“I took your advice…with Eggsy.”

“That bad?” Merlin grimaces.

“No,” Harry sighs. “Everything was wonderful until I realized it was a one-night stand.”

“What?”

“He walked out this morning. Didn't bother to even say so much as a thank you.”

“I'm gonna gut him,” Merlin hisses, and carefully sets his tea aside so he won't end up hurling the mug at something. Various prime locations for hiding a corpse are already springing to mind.

“Merlin, you can't go around—”

“I will gut him like a fish, Harry! How could—Surely you told him how you feel?”

“Not in so many words, no,” Harry admits.

“Harry you bloody idiot!” Merlin groans, and scrapes his palm over his face. “You have been in love with that boy since day one. How could you not fucking tell him before you shagged his brains out?”

“I didn't... Things moved along a bit more hastily than expected. By the time I could have said something, it would have seemed cheap. Some underhanded tactic to seal the deal, as it were. Besides, he doesn't really seem the settling sort.”

“Harry—”

“He's still enjoying his youth, Merlin. I'm not going to chase after him and beg him to tie himself down to an old man,” Harry says, defeat ringing through his tone.

Merlin knows that nothing he says at this point is going to dissuade Harry on that front. Hell, he doesn't even know what to say as Harry is being somewhat practical, all things considered.

“Still, the prick could have at least made you some tea,” Merlin says. “I've got a lovely recon mission to Siberia that's slipped my mind until recently. I can think of an agent who could brush up on his cold weather survival skills.”

There's a huff of amusement over the line before Harry asks, “Join me for a drink?”

“Aye. But I'm not going to hold your hair back if you throw up, or let you cry all over me.”

“You always say the sweetest things, Merlin.”

* * *

Merlin knows.

Eggsy knows that Merlin knows. And Merlin knows that Eggsy knows that he knows. And yeah that's gonna get headachy really fast. Point is, a few days after Eggsy's ill-advised romp with Harry, he gets called into HQ and Merlin informs him with a manic gleam in his eye that Eggsy is off to scout out a mining facility. In fucking Siberia.

Eggsy hates Russia. He hates the freezing cold bullshit wilderness even more. And he can barely string two words of the fucking local language together, and tells Merlin as much.

“Well the best way to learn is through immersion,” Merlin says, as though what he's suggesting isn't absolute lunacy. “I suppose I’ll just have to monitor you closely to make sure you catch everything.”

So off to Russia Eggsy goes, complaining loudly the whole way. He spends a few days trekking out to the facility and familiarizing himself with the surroundings (which is pretty much a whole lot of nothing) and then he settles in and waits and observes. And pretty much nothing happens. The workers seem relaxed and a bit bored as they go about their jobs, lacking the wariness of guards or even those working under duress. No one seems to be wearing more than the standard gear for heavy metals mining, so the glimmering ore they're digging out probably isn't overly radioactive either.

After nearly a week of surveillance, sneaking about the facility after hours and finding bugger all but a bunch of rocks, Eggsy is officially ready to declare there’s nothing suspicious and whoever gave HQ that intel is paranoid.

“Pretty sure this is just a bunch of metals, Merlin,” Eggsy says as he inspects another day’s haul of the material. “I ain't seen nothin' to worry about.”

“Well done then, Galahad. Grab a few more samples in that pretty little box I gave you and I'll arrange your pickup,” Merlin replies.

Eggsy's pretty sure Merlin already knows what it is, and has been running him around on a wild goose chase, but he's also wary enough of the man to not comment on it.

And thus, Eggsy is killing time in a bar in a little town a few kilometers away while he waits for one of Kingsman's transporters to pick him up. He harmlessly flirts with a gorgeous local girl who is definitely interested, and normally Eggsy would jump at the chance for a quick shag after two weeks of boredom, but his heart isn't in it. He tells himself it's because he's technically still on the clock and Merlin is probably silently watching every second of his feed. Instead, he lets himself actually enjoy a drink and a conversation that's a hodgepodge of his own terrible Russian and the girl's broken English.

When Eggsy gets back to HQ, he drops off the ore samples on Merlin's desk and saunters into Harry's office and collapses in the seat across from the man, as has been their tradition even before... well before. Eggsy has given his behavior some thought and decides that he's not going to go out of his way to avoid Harry. Avoiding Harry would be an admission of guilt on Eggsy's part, and well, he's got nothing to feel guilty for, right? He and Harry are two consenting adults who had admittedly amazing sex and that's it. It's not like there has been any admission of feelings or expectations. There's no reason that Eggsy and Harry shouldn't be able to carry on as before.

“How was the mission?” Harry asks, not bothering to glance up from the paperwork he's signing off on.

“Cold,” Eggsy says with a shrug. “I fuckin' hate Russia. Got to work on my language skills though.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Chatted up some pretty bird who knew enough English.”

Harry's mouth twists into a thin line, but he holds back any malicious retorts. “That's good news. You should always find chances to improve yourself.”

“It weren't nothin' fancy, just small talk while I was just waitin' on my ride,” Eggsy adds hastily. “I know to keep things appropriate while I'm on the clock.”

The last statement hangs in the air, layered with meaning that he knows Harry has to understand. Eggsy needs Harry to know that nothing personal will challenge his loyalty to Kingsman.

“Well of course you can,” Harry agrees after a moment. “You're a gentleman after all.”

The words sting a little, because they both know Eggsy is nothing of the sort, but he lets it slide.

“So when's my debrief?” Eggsy asks.

“I'll have Merlin get back to you after someone analyzes the samples you brought back, but you can safely assume you have tomorrow off. Just submit a written report and your surveillance documentation by the end of the day.” And with that, Harry dismisses Eggsy with a nod and returns to his paperwork.

“Alright,” Eggsy says and shows himself to the door.

All in all, it could have been worse.

* * *

It turns out the ore he picked up is actually nickel, and Eggsy knows that Merlin was just fucking with him. He can't call him out on it, not without any proof, but he's pretty sure Merlin is takin' the piss out of him for Harry's sake. Not that he can blame the man really.

Merlin's one harmless, petty jab at Eggsy aside, life at Kingsman returns to normal. Merlin is the very picture of professionalism, Eggsy runs his normal missions, everything's grand. It's only when he's running a double with Roxy that anyone notices anything out of place.

“Merlin seems a bit more... business than usual,” Roxy observes when she and Eggsy are back in their shared hotel room after an evening of subterfuge spent posing as a couple. Fortunately, the two of them have no problems sharing living space, given that they'd more or less lived in each other's pocket for months during training.

“Really?” Eggsy asks as he finishes brushing his teeth. “Hadn't noticed.” It's a bald-faced lie because he has noticed, but it's been that way since even before the whole Harry fiasco. Eggsy assumes the man has tried to keep some emotional distance to prevent any accusations of favoritism on Merlin's part, given that a certain partiality is rather unavoidable on Harry's, being his mentor and all. That and well, one does not get chummy with one's best friend's…former intimate partner whatever. It's not like the man is being grossly unprofessional or anything; quite the opposite, in fact.

“He's usually much more relaxed when he's running my solo missions,” Roxy adds.

“Yeah well ya know me; always pesterin’ Merlin for gadgets and shit and causin’ explosions. Imagine how terrible it would be if he encouraged me. It's like the whole mouse and cookie thing,” Eggsy says.

“Mouse and cookie?”

“Yeah. Y'know, 'If ya give a mouse a cookie, he's gonna ask for a glass of milk'.”

“I don't follow.”

“It's a children's book. Don't judge! I have a baby sister,” Eggsy sputters when Roxy starts to giggle. “The gist of it is if ya give someone somethin’, they'll keep askin’ for more ‘til it gets completely out of hand.”

“Well luckily for us, you're one of the least demanding people I know. I don't think we have to worry about _you_ being the mouse,” Roxy says as she slides under the blankets of the ridiculously huge hotel bed, motioning for Eggsy to join her.

Eggsy settles in next to her in silence and lets the conversation drop. He mulls over her words for a few minutes before deciding that they’re a problem for another day.

* * *

The night that they return from their mission, Roxy begs off from their usual celebratory pint; instead choosing to remain at HQ a little longer under the guise of an urgent meeting.

It’s only a half lie. She does intend to have a meeting with Merlin, though it’s more of an ambush.

“Spill it, Merlin,” Roxy demands, lurking in the doorway of the lead tech’s office like she’s planning to torture him.

Merlin blinks at her owlishly before shaking himself out of his reverie. “I don’t what you're talking about,” he drawls, looking back to his monitors.

“Oh come off it,” Roxy huffs and stalks toward Merlin. “Eggsy has been acting weird, Harry's been acting weird, _you've_ been acting weird. I want to know what's going on.”

“How have I been 'weird'?” Merlin asks.

“You're never that distant when I'm on a mission. The one time Eggsy and I team up in months and suddenly you're all straight-laced? Something is going on.”

“Roxy, I say this as your boss and your friend,” Merlin growls, his tone leaving no room for reproach. “Leave it alone.”

“Fine. I'll just ask Eggsy,” Roxy replies, though by no means is she conceding, and turns on her heel. Merlin wonders if perhaps he shouldn’t have just told her.

* * *

Three months ‘post-Harry’, and Eggsy still never tells anyone—even Roxy—about what transpired with the man. Eggsy's also reasonably sure Harry has told no one but Merlin, so he expects things to be well enough resolved and he can put the whole affair behind him. Things are even looking up when Roxy texts him saying her meeting ended early and she can go out for a drink. Of course, Eggsy’s bad luck would choose now to catch up with him.

“So what exactly is going on with you lately?” Roxy asks, showing great restraint waiting all of twenty minutes into their evening before beginning her interrogation.

“Uh… Ya mean the trip we just got back from?” Eggsy drawls. “Unless you’s askin’ about my family or somethin’.”

“No. I meant that you're rather withdrawn lately and I've heard absolutely nothing about your love life in months. You do know that you don't have to take a vow of chastity or anything just because you’ve taken up the mantle of Galahad, right?”

“What the—” Eggsy sputters, attempting to not choke on his beer. “Why do you even want to know?”

“It's just odd is all,” Roxy replies. “I was wondering if you’re alright.”

“What's all this then?” Eggsy asks defensively. “I sleep around, people judge me. I don't sleep around and people still judge me? Maybe I just ain't been feelin’ like it much, y'know?”

“I would believe that if you weren’t acting as oddly as Merlin is. And he has been raising my suspicions by sidestepping the question when I asked.”

“Ain’t nothin’ goin’ on between me and Merlin. Trust me,” Eggsy says with a shudder. Even the thought of getting into bed with Merlin has Eggsy itching to check that he still has both kidneys. The man is terrifying.

“Well of course not. Last I checked, you were all over Harry. Did something happen? Are you finally settling down?”

“Drop it, Rox,” Eggsy growls. “I know what you're playin' at.” He desperately grapples with his rising temper at Roxy’s prying. It’s not that he doesn’t love her and trust her as a friend, but there are some things better left alone, and he thinks Roxy would understand that his complicated relationship with his mentor is one of them.

“I'm just saying, if you've gotten tired of everyone else, maybe it's time to make a play for Harry. Honestly, the tension between you two is ridiculous. Just put everyone out of their misery.”

“I said drop it!” Eggsy shouts. A few heads turn their way, and Eggsy hunches his shoulders a little and lowers his voice to add: “Look, I don't have nothin' to say to Harry. There's no 'misery' to be put out of ‘cos there's nothin’ between us. Ya get me?”

“I get you Eggsy,” Roxy replies. “I'm sorry.”

Eggsy polishes off his pint and leaves a few bills on the table for his part of the tab. “I think I’m gonna head out, yeah? You can get home alright?” Eggsy asks, carefully placing a hand on Roxy’s shoulder.

“Of course, Eggsy,” Roxy says and gives Eggsy’s hand a squeeze.

Eggsy nods to her, and takes his leave from the bar. It’s one of Roxy’s preferred places; not fancy enough to make Eggsy uncomfortable, but still on the right side of town so Roxy doesn’t stand out walking home alone at night. As he steps outside into the kempt streets, he feels a resentful itch clawing under his skin and he takes off in the direction of the rougher parts of town, specifically one of his favorite local dives, determined not to let the night be a total waste.

* * *

Merlin honestly isn’t expecting another visit from Roxy in the same evening, especially at such a late hour when he’s packing up to go home. He can tell by the look on her face that she must have gotten something from her conversation with Eggsy.

“He fucked Harry, didn't he?” Roxy asks, not bothering with discretion or subtlety, and not for the first time Merlin is grateful that his work area is not typically inhabited by other members of Kingsman.

“What?” Merlin asks, feigning ignorance.

“Eggsy,” Roxy states impatiently. “That's why he's being such a little piss baby about his love life and why you're being all stone cold killer on him.”

“Where did you hear that?” Merlin expects that Eggsy would never have said such a thing outright.

“I'm a spy Merlin,” Roxy huffs. “Answer the question.”

“That's not mine to answer.”

“That's a yes then. What the hell even happened?”

“I'm sure I don't have to explain to you how sex works.”

“You know what I mean.”

Merlin sighs and pinches at the bridge of his nose, desperately fending off an oncoming headache, while he contemplates exactly what to say. “Things happened,” he says after a moment. “Things weren't said. Feelings got hurt.”

“Eggsy ran?” Roxy asks, realization dawning on her. As Eggsy’s best friend she’s familiar with his reactions to uncomfortable situations.

“Of course he ran,” Merlin sneers. “It's what he does. Harry certainly didn't help by not letting the little shit know that he was interested in a relationship.”

“So they used each other,” Roxy observes.

“More or less.”

“Well of all the ridiculous bullshit—” Roxy scoffs. “We have to fix this somehow. Those two are completely gone for each other and don't even know it.”

“We?” Merlin asks, eyes widening as he can practically see the wheels turning in Roxy’s head.

“Well they're not going to see reason on their own. That's for certain,” Roxy states, as though she were explaining that the sky was blue and fish swim.

“Roxy, it may have escaped your attention, but Harry and Eggsy are two grown men,” Merlin groans, not looking forward to explaining to a very young and idealistic lady what a monumentally _bad_ idea their intervention would be. “They're theoretically completely capable of communicating with each other like responsible adults if and when they are ready to clear the air between them. The two of us meddling probably won't help.”

“You're just going to sit in your lab while our best friends miss out on a once in a lifetime kind of love?” Roxy asks, her tone betraying her disbelief at the notion.

“I hate to say it, but yes. I may be Harry's best friend, but I'm also Arthur’s right hand. My first priority is not his happiness, but rather helping him run Kingsman,” Merlin says.

“Alright, I'll do it myself,” Roxy grumbles.

* * *

Not for the first time in recent months Eggsy finds himself in a club’s grubby bathroom stall, rutting up against some gorgeous bird who's fucking gagging for it and... and nothing. He goes through the motions, walks himself through all the tricks that would usually work for him and no matter what he does he just can't get it up. He might as well be dead from the waist down. Her hands snake towards the flies of his jeans and he panics. He lets his fingers slide from within her, still slick and warm, and pulls away taking in her appearance. She's gorgeous, blonde, has great tits and soft bowed lips.

And she leaves him cold.

“I'm sorry,” he gasps tugging her hands away from his trousers.

“What?” she huffs, but Eggsy has already opened the stall door and the woman looks positively mortified.

“I'm sorry, I can't,” He says shaking his head and bolts to the nearby sink to wash his hands. He ignores her hissed expletives as he scrubs clean and finally shoulders the bathroom door open and cuts his escape through the crowd, the music drowning out her voice behind him.

He sprints a few blocks away, hoping to avoid the woman he walked out on, and hails a cab. Once Eggsy tells the driver his address, he slumps into the seat. He’s been like this ever since he got back from that stupid Russia mission. At first he attempts to make his rounds to his usual haunts, trying to find someone, but no one seems to catch his attention for more than a moment. Still, he's a creature of habit and goes home with a few of the guys who pick him up, but it always leaves him—and often his partner—dissatisfied. Figuring that perhaps he's just running into trouble with blokes he switches his pursuit to women, but that has also proven to turn out even more disastrously than expected. He feels the sting of humiliation, but he’s not sure if it’s because of his current… predicament or the fact that he’s gotten so into the habit of seducing strangers that it’s a problem when he can’t. The nights he spent sneaking out were the only relative peace and amusement he could find for the years that his life revolved around keeping his family safe and avoiding Dean. But now he’s achieved success on both counts and spends most of his time working, and he wonders if maybe he just doesn’t really need that distraction any more?

It doesn’t take long for the cab driver to reach his destination, and Eggsy pays the fare and shuffles his way into the house. His mum is still up, having just put his sister to bed Eggsy suspects.

“Hey babe. Letters for you on the table,” Michelle calls softly.

“Thanks mum,” he replies, flashing his mum a weak smile and goes through the letters.

Most of it is just junk, but one conspicuously non-descript envelope catches his eye. He checks over his shoulder to see that his mum’s still in the other room before tearing into it. His eyes quickly skim the page and he sighs and crumples up the paper before chucking it toward the nearest bin. Results from the nearby clinic all came back normal. Not that Eggsy had suspected anything different, but for all his caution Eggsy knows there’s the very real risk he could potentially catch something from one of his partners. And while he trusts Kingsman’s medical facilities, he gets a little paranoid sometimes and feels like he is being judged whenever he pops by for extra tests.

Eggsy heads upstairs without another word deciding a shower is in order before he turns in for the night. A few minutes later, once he’s finished scrubbing away the smell of the grimy club where he’s spent the evening, and the sickening perfume that rubbed off on him, he leans against the tiled wall and just stands under the spray of water. His clean test results leave him in a bit of a spot since there isn’t anything medically wrong with him. No, this is all in his head, which is bullshit because it means that a single night spent with Harry fucked him up somehow.

And that’s the crux of it. He’s purposefully tried to avoid any inappropriate thoughts of Harry since that evening for a good reason, given the fact that he works for the man. Also, there’s the underlying sickening sense of guilt that Eggsy shoves aside whenever he thinks too long about the morning after. As Eggsy dwells on memories of that night though, he notices the faintest stirrings of arousal.

“This is fuckin’ ridiculous,” Eggsy grumbles to himself, wrapping his hand around his half-hard prick.

It doesn’t take long before Eggsy allows himself to sink into thoughts of Harry. He gives a few light strokes and thinks of Harry’s stupid, perfectly coiffed hair and how it looks when it’s all mussed from where Eggsy’s fingers have been holding tightly. The way it curls a little at the ends when Harry’s been sweating, or how it turns into a pleasant mop of curls when Harry washes all the product out. It’s so at odds with the tightly controlled person that Harry is in the day. Eggsy licks at his lips and tightens his hold a little, speeding his strokes, twisting a little on the upward motion. He imagines those thin lips he’s marveled at whether they’re pressed to the edge of a glass, quirked into a wry grin, shaping words in that posh accent, or wrapped warm and wet around his cock. He remembers the texture of them against his own, the taste of them. Eggsy’s breath is already becoming unsteady as he slides a finger of his other hand back behind his balls, along the cleft of his cheeks and circles teasingly at his hole. He thinks of those long slender fingers he’s seen countless times clutched around a pistol grip, playing over the slide, slotting a magazine into place. Fingers that he has felt slide down his spine, clench at his hips. Eggsy squeezes his eyes shut and presses a single digit into himself as he imagines— _remembers_ —the way Harry’s fingers would slip so carefully up and inside of him when he’s already relaxed and spent, pressing unerringly against that one spot guaranteed to drive him mad, teasing his oversensitive flesh in the afterglow.

“Oh fuck—” Eggsy hisses as orgasm overtakes him.

He grimaces at the come spilled over his knuckles and scrubs the mess off of him and down the drain. Three months without a proper fuck and he’s going off within minutes like a bloody teenager; wanking in the shower over the thought of Harry Hart.

Not his finest performance.

* * *

Despite Roxy's admittedly limited personal knowledge of romance, she knows that 90% of all angst is caused by miscommunication, as evidenced in what transpired between Harry and Eggsy. Obviously, the best resolution is for the two to actually talk it out, but unsurprisingly the two seem determined to avoid the topic at all costs. Eggsy's typical sexual habits make the tried and true method of ‘jealousy induced love declarations' a moot point, especially as he is not engaged in said habits at present. So, Roxy decides a forced confrontation via the classic ‘inescapable enclosed space’ approach might be in order.

She spends her free days at the manor mentally cataloguing every suitable automatically locking closet and broom cupboard, both within the upstairs manor proper, and the underground bunker. Once she's determined all the potential sites, she lays in wait for both of her targets to be close enough to each other and one of her chosen locations. It's a lot sooner than she anticipated. Within two weeks, both she and Eggsy are back from their own separate missions, killing time using the Kingsman facilities as they do, when she stumbles across Harry no doubt on his way to see Merlin. Roxy mentally calculates the nearest scouted “prime make out/confession spot” and decides to take her chances.

“Arthur!” Roxy calls, catching the man's attention. “Could you help me for a moment?”

“Of course, Lancelot,” Harry says and approaches Roxy. “What seems to be the matter?”

Roxy has to clamp down on the malevolent grin that’s trying to reach her lips and innocently replies, “I need something from one of the closets in the next hall, but I'm not tall enough to reach and someone moved the step ladder. Think you could help out? It'll be just a second.”

“Certainly,” Harry replies, and follows along after the young lady.

The two of them venture around the corner and down the next hall, and Roxy leads Harry to an innocuous looking storage cabinet full of office supplies.

“I just needed that box of hanging files, please,” Roxy says, pointing to the top shelf, her face schooled into the picture of politeness.

The moment Harry steps into the closet and reaches toward the box in question, Roxy shuts the door and assures that it has locked before she bolts down the hall to where she last saw Eggsy.

“Lancelot?” Harry calls, trying the door’s handle a few times. “Lancelot, what the hell are you doing?”

Harry sighs as he hears her footsteps retreating down the hall and taps his glasses.

“Merlin, do you know why Lancelot might have trapped me in a supply cupboard?” Harry asks.

“She did what?” Merlin asks.

“She’s trapped me inside one of the office supply cupboards northeast of your office,” Harry sighs.

“Give me a few minutes,” Merlin huffs, and Harry can hear the man trying to hold back laughter.

“By all means,” Harry grumbles. Judging by Merlin’s amusement, he doubts his rescue will be timely. “I’ll just wait here.”

* * *

“Rox, I'm like a whole two inches taller than ya,” Eggsy says as Roxy drags him down the hall by the arm. “I dunno what you’re expectin’.”

“Just give me a boost, Eggsy!” Roxy whines. She was lucky to catch Eggsy before he left the department, and she’s not waiting another two weeks to get him and Harry in the same place. Undoubtedly, Harry will have called for someone by now and she needs to make the most of her limited window of opportunity.

“Ugh. Fine,” Eggsy sighs as Roxy brings him to the supply closet.

Roxy swipes her badge in front of the scanner next to the lock and opens the door before unceremoniously shoving Eggsy inside and slamming it closed behind him. Eggsy yelps and stumbles forward only to crash into something a little softer than the anticipated shelving. There’s a resounding clatter as what sounds like a box of pens tips off the shelf and crashes to the floor. Meanwhile, Roxy puts her ear to the door and congratulates herself on being the best super-spy/matchmaker around.

“What the—Roxy!” Eggsy yells and straightens himself, only to come nose to nose with one mildly shocked Harry Hart whom he has pressed back uncomfortably against the shelving behind them. And fucking hell, there’s not but a few inches of space between himself and Harry, and he catches a breath of the man’s cologne and the memory of the last time he was smothered in that scent sparks in the back of his mind.

“Well shit,” Eggsy grumbles, trying to gather his wits and his hands make an aborted motion to straighten the mess he’s made of Harry’s suit. Eggsy’s eyes flicker upward only to pause as he watches those lips forming words.

“Ms. Morton ambushed you as well?” Harry asks. The man shifts his weight, but it’s obviously a mistake as his foot lands on one of the pens and rolls forward, his leg brushing up against Eggsy’s thigh.

“Uh yeah,” Eggsy says, and he sounds completely dopey even to his own ears. “You alright?”

“I’ve been worse. I’m going to be late to a meeting though,” Harry says offhand and moves to check his watch. The motion causes a hitch in Eggsy’s breath as Harry’s hand briefly grazes against his chest. 

Eggsy growls and turns to the door and starts banging his fist against it. “Roxy! Let us out of here right now!”

“Not until you two talk,” Roxy yells through the door. A few techs pop their heads out of their offices looking into all the commotion, but Roxy aims a glare their way and waves them off.

“I really don’t have the time for this, Lancelot,” Harry calls over Eggsy’s shoulder.

Eggsy flinches a little at the words and turns to his boss. “I’m so sorry Harry! I don’t know what’s gotten into her. I swear, I didn’t say nothin’ to no one.”

If anything, Harry looks even less placated at Eggsy’s assurances, and Eggsy redoubles his efforts against the door. “Seriously, Roxy, open the fuckin’ door!”

“Roxanne, this is ridiculous. If you don’t let us out at once, there will be repercussions,” Harry adds.

“I don’t hear the two of you resolving things,” Roxy calls.

“That’s ‘cos there’s nothin’ to resolve!” Eggsy shouts.

“Bullshit. I know you’re both emotionally stunted idiots, but you need to talk about your feelings sometime.”

“I’m feelin’ like ya better open this door, or I’m breakin’ it down, Rox,” Eggsy bellows.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Roxy says.

“Eggsy, I don’t think—” Harry says, but is cut off when Eggsy turns around fully, leans back against Harry for balance and aims a brutal kick at the door next to the lock.

The door gives a promising splintering sound, and Harry chokes back a groan at the feeling of Eggsy’s muscled back brushing against his front with the motion. Eggsy doesn’t say a word, but when he hears the sound of Roxy’s footsteps scurrying away from the closet, he slams his foot against the door a second time and it bangs open to reveal a rather startled Roxy across the hall.

“What’s going on here?” Merlin calls as he stalks down the hall toward all the commotion. There’s several technicians, scrambling to look busy, but none of them seem willing to leave the scene the agents are causing.

“Well you certainly took your time. Held up in traffic, were you?” Harry asks with a sarcastic bite as he and Eggsy step out into the hall.

“What the hell happened to this door?” Merlin asks, ignoring Harry’s underlying accusations.

“I happened,” Eggsy huffs, straightening out his shirt. “Roxy decided to lock me and Harry in the closet for some kind of prank.”

“So I heard. Any particular reason you decided that merited the destruction of Kingsman property?” Merlin growls.

“Claustrophobia,” Eggsy deadpans.

“Funny, I don’t recall that being a problem for you.”

“It’s a recent thing. Can I go now?” Eggsy asks with an uncomfortable shrug. They all know it’s bullshit, but there’s no way in hell he’s going to admit to busting down a door because he’s terrified that close proximity to Harry will result in either catching a worse case of feelings than he already has, or blurting out all of said feelings. He’s especially unwilling to admit it in front of an audience of his coworkers.

Merlin looks like he’s about to say something, but Harry cuts him off first.

“We can deal with this mess later,” Harry says, turning in the direction of his office without so much as a backwards glance to Eggsy. “Merlin, I’m afraid due to this misadventure you and I are late to a meeting with Elyan.”

“You’re both being ridiculous!” Roxy howls, clutching at her hair. “Really? You’re both just going to ignore each other and walk away?”

“Roxy, why don’t you just stay out of it, yeah?” Eggsy hisses.

“I’d stay out of it if you weren’t broadcasting misery and sexual tension everywhere!” Roxy turns on Eggsy, her voice rising with each word, her arms gesticulating wildly between Harry and him. “Seriously, if the two of you would sit down and talk things out—”

“Fine. How’s this for resolved?” Eggsy asks and leans into Harry’s personal space, his voice then lowers enough so that the only outsiders who can hear are Roxy and Merlin.

“Harry, that night with ya was amazin’. Lemme know next time ya fancy a shag,” Eggsy murmurs and rocks back onto his heels to see Harry’s expression turn practically incandescent with rage.

“Galahad, Lancelot, my office now,” Harry growls and stalks away from the growing crowd of technicians lurking suspiciously near their office doorways.

Eggsy hangs his head a little in shame, knowing he just struck a low blow, but he dutifully follows after Harry. Roxy immediately shuts her mouth and sends a deathly glare to all of the people gathered in the hall, before falling into step behind Eggsy.

There’s nothing said when they reach Harry’s office. The man motions for his subordinates to take a seat and then turns to his computer, furiously typing in silence for several minutes while Merlin stands just outside the door like some kind of statue. Eggsy feels that this is a lot like all the times he was called to see the headmaster when he was in trouble for cutting class or fighting. Only it’s a lot less fun when you actually respect the person who’s going to be giving you a dressing down. Eggsy hears the whirring sound of a nearby printer when Harry finally finishes whatever he’s working on, and braces himself for a lecture.

“I know the two of you are close friends, but there is no excuse for whatever sort of game you are playing, or the pranks you’ve pulled today,” Harry sighs, sounding simultaneously exhausted and still bitter. “Both of you have disrupted my work; which, might I remind you, is frequently comprised of important international security matters above your pay-grade. You destroyed Kingsman property, and distracted personnel from several projects. And then you humiliated me in front of multiple members of my staff.”

Eggsy squirms in his seat as the words wash over him, and he wants to curl up and die a little. It’s not the first time he’s heard Harry say that, and if he’s honest, it probably won’t be the last with how often he fucks everything up.

“Do you have anything to say for yourselves?” Harry asks.

The words ‘I’m sorry’ stick in the back of his throat and Eggsy just shakes his head. He can’t deal with Harry’s disappointment, right now. Not after what he’d said earlier.

“It won’t happen again, Arthur,” Roxy says, sounding appropriately chastened.

“No. I don’t imagine it will,” Harry agrees. “Barring any international emergency that requires your efforts, the both of you will be on a one-week, unpaid suspension.”

Harry gets up to retrieve the papers from the printer and then returns to his desk, placing a copy each in front of Roxy and Eggsy.

“Suspension?” Roxy sputters when she sets eyes on the documents. Normally, Eggsy would be right there with her, but he can tell Harry won’t be swayed and will likely just become angrier at their defiance. So, Eggsy shuts off any emotional reaction and waits for Harry to finish saying his piece.

“As dictated by standard protocol, you will not be allowed on Kingsman property other than your homes. Any Kingsman issued weapons in your immediate possession will be confiscated. Any communications devices we’ve issued you, aside from your cell phones, will be remotely locked out. Additionally, the cost of the door will come out of the first cheque following your return to field duty,” Harry continues as he hands Roxy and Eggsy pens. “Unfortunately, some things still need to be done on paper, so please sign these for our records.”

Eggsy wordlessly signs the document in front of him, and Roxy follows suit next to him, although with a rather annoyed huff. Eggsy’s pretty sure she’s never been in proper trouble in her life.

“Any questions?” Harry asks.

“No,” Eggsy and Roxy chime simultaneously.

“Dismissed then,” Harry sighs.

Once Eggsy and Roxy leave, Merlin steps into the room and comes to sit across from Harry.

“Being a bit hard on them, don’t you think?” he asks.

“We can’t be seen playing favorites, Merlin,” Harry replies.

“And it always hurts more when they disappoint you,” Merlin adds.

* * *

Roxy and Eggsy are pointedly not looking at each other on the shuttle ride back to the shop, which is difficult given there’s no view outside the compartment. Eggsy is slouched down in the seat, legs stretched out in front of him and the brim of his hat tipped down over his eyes. He isn’t sleeping though. He can’t.

“I'm sorry Eggsy. I just thought—” Roxy says, her hushed voice cutting through the uncomfortable silence between them.

“Ya thought what, Roxy?” Eggsy sighs, tipping his hat up to send his best friend an accusatory glare. “What was I supposed to say to him?”

“You obviously have feelings for him. You probably love him, actually.”

“Let’s get somethin’ straight, alright? That man has given me everythin’,” Eggsy explains. “My job, my home, my family's safety, and I _used_ him.”

Eggsy frowns at Roxy’s gob smacked expression. Clearly, she’s at a loss for words, but Eggsy’s never really explained to anyone how deeply Harry has affected his life.

“I'm sorry,” Roxy finally whispers a few minutes later, and Eggsy can see her wiping a tear from her eye.

“I know,” Eggsy says, all the anger slowly melting from his voice, even as he instinctively curls into himself, crossing his arms over his chest. “You're just tryin’ to help, but we can't always fix how we hurt people. I'm too much of a fuck up to know how to do anythin’ else.”

They spend the rest of the ride in silence, Eggsy staring out the tiny window of the car at the concrete walls whipping by. He pretends he can’t feel Roxy’s eyes lingering on him the whole time.

* * *

No matter how good Eggsy’s got it now, some parts of his old life still cling to him like sticky film. When he returns home, his head is already full of numbers and budgets to cover the gap in his pay. He’s fortunate that losing pay for a week (and then some) no longer carries the weight it used to. Kingsman owns the property where Eggsy and his family now live, so there’s no fear of falling behind on the rent and being turned out onto the street. Likewise, Eggsy tries to maintain enough in savings to keep the heat running and food on the table for a couple months just in case. Despite his new circumstances, he still can’t kick the habit of worrying that’s been ingrained into him over years of financial struggling.

“You’re home, early,” his mum says with a tired smile when Eggsy finds her in the kitchen fixing a snack for Daisy.

“Not much goin’ on at the shop,” Eggsy replies with a shrug, and he leans across the table where his baby sister is sitting and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

“Well, it’s nice to have you home before supper. You can help.”

“Sure thing mum. Also, I got some time off this week,” Eggsy adds. It’s not technically a lie if he’s only leaving out the reason. “I can stick around and take care of Daisy while you’re at work if ya want.”

“That’d be great.”

“I’m gonna run upstairs for a bit, yeah? Got some stuff to look over.”

Eggsy spends the rest of the afternoon—and that evening after supper and playing with his overactive little sister—repeatedly checking his accounts and the simple spreadsheet of his monthly budget. It’s less to do with his worry over finances, and more of a distraction to keep his mind from running places it ought not. None of it helps though when it comes time for him to settle in for the night and the image of Harry’s disappointment runs through his mind like some bizarre Mobius strip. He’s always disappointing Harry, it seems. Be it his cock up during the dog test, or walking out on him, or running around wreaking havoc on HQ.

 _“You humiliated me.”_ The words ring in his ears, and Eggsy burrows further into his bed; hiding his face and trying to shut out the noise in his own head. Harry might have tacked a bit about their coworkers onto that statement, but Eggsy wonders if Harry _wasn’t_ just talking about Roxy’s stunt making them both look like complete idiots in front of some techs. Eggsy took advantage of Harry in a way that’s unforgivable and ran, making Harry look the fool for getting fucked over by some scruffy little prick half his age.

It’s so fucking stupid. Everything about the whole day has been stupid and Eggsy would trade anything to just start it all over. Maybe then he wouldn’t be such a twat, running his mouth and propositioning Harry in such a callous and crude manner in front of their friends. Eggsy grumbles for a moment before he clutches his pillow around his face and smothers the noise as his frustration explodes into a muffled scream. He takes a wet, ragged gasp a moment later and screams again until his lungs are burning and he finally drops the pillow and slumps back down in exhaustion.

He lays there for a few minutes, feeling only marginally better, letting his breath even back out. Eventually, he digs through the covers for his phone. He swipes through his contacts and before he can overthink things presses the call button. Eggsy listens to the ringing tone through the speaker, and he can’t say he’s surprised when it kicks over to voicemail. Harry’s probably not best pleased with him right now, but still…

“Hey Harry,” Eggsy sighs, deciding that the worst that can happen is Harry will delete this voicemail without listening to it. “Uh… ya probably don’t want to hear from me right now and I don’t blame ya. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for today. I dunno why Roxy bothered with all that. Ya know I never told her nothin’. And uh… What I said to ya was pretty fucked up too, so sorry again.”

* * *

Eggsy doesn’t get a call back from Harry, but he honestly doesn’t expect one. After all, he’s supposed to be suspended from communication with Kingsman. Though, if Eggsy is honest, his suspension has amounted to little more than a forced vacation. Perhaps the idle time only works because most agents don’t have close families. While he’s certain that Roxy is ready to chew her own arm off in boredom, Eggsy has a toddler and an excitable pug to keep up with and a household to care for.

Eggsy sees his mum in the mornings before she makes her way to the local diner where she’s working part time as a waitress, even though Eggsy insists she doesn’t need to. He walks JB while he takes his little sister to daycare just after their mum leaves. Then he spends his morning around the house, taking care of some cleaning and repairs, before nipping off to see his mates for lunch. He picks up Daisy on his way back home, and then spends his time entertaining a three-year-old until their mother comes home and he can make supper. It’s a comfortable routine, so it comes as something of a surprise when the doorbell rings Thursday night before his mother’s shift is over.

Eggsy checks that Daisy is still engrossed in one of those Disney films she’s been watching repeatedly, and grabs a knife from the block in the kitchen. He tucks the blade in one hand hidden behind his back, slinking down the hallway and eases the door open.

“Harry?” Eggsy asks when he sees his boss standing on the front stoop.

“Good evening, Eggsy,” Harry replies. “Mind if I come in?”

“Uh, alright.” Eggsy opens the door further, gesturing for Harry to come inside. There’s nothing unusual about Harry’s personal appearance; judging by the suit and briefcase it looks like he’s stopped by on the way home from work. Though, Eggsy can’t fathom why Harry wouldn’t head straight home unless it’s business.

“Expecting someone else?” Harry asks glancing pointedly at the arm hidden behind Eggsy.

Eggsy lets out an amused huff and wanders into the kitchen to put the improvised weapon back, Harry following a few steps behind. “Never can be too careful,” he says.

Silence settles between the two of them as Harry doesn’t offer up a response, and Eggsy is at a loss for what to say. It’s strange having Harry in his house; not bad per se, but not necessarily welcome either.

“There some kinda emergency?” Eggsy murmurs, glancing around the corner to check on Daisy again, but she doesn’t seem to have even noticed Harry’s presence.

“No, everything is fine.”

“Okay...” Eggsy drawls, waiting for Harry to pick up the conversation. He debates for a moment whether or not he should offer Harry some tea for the sake of politeness, but the tension filled silence between them as Harry seems unable to find his words makes Eggsy loath to have Harry in his company longer than necessary.

“Ya here to collect on that offer or somethin’?” Eggsy asks and manages not to flinch at his own boorishness as soon as the words are out of his mouth. “Cos I’m kinda babysittin’ right now,” he adds.

“Not this time,” Harry replies, and Eggsy notices the slightly insincere edge to the quirk of his lips. “I honestly don’t know why I stopped by. Perhaps I just needed to see that you weren’t home-brewing explosives in your boredom.”

“Well, yesterday I nearly set the kitchen on fire tryin’ to make lasagna and wrangle a small child at the same time.”

“How did you even manage that?”

“Don’t ask,” Eggsy laughs and his heart practically jumps into his throat as he can see amusement on Harry’s face, even as the man holds back a laugh of his own. In that moment, Eggsy realizes he’ll do almost anything to keep Harry looking like that no matter how much of a fool it makes him seem.

The realization causes a familiar fear to creep up Eggsy’s spine, and he wants shot of it.

“So ya got my message, right?” Eggsy asks.

“That I did.”

“Right. Well then… I guess ya know I’m sorry about all that, but the offer still stands,” Eggsy says with a cocky smirk, knowing that his cavalier attitude towards their affair will have Harry running for the hills.

“That won’t be necessary, Eggsy,” Harry sighs. “I’m afraid that I’m not looking for something casual.”

“Oh.” Whatever Eggsy had been expecting Harry to say, it certainly wasn’t that he expected something _more_. Although, to be fair, that something more need not have anything to do with Eggsy himself.

“Right. Good to see that you’re holding up,” Harry says, reaching to place a hand on Eggsy’s shoulder, but thinking better of it and letting it fall to his side. “I should probably make my way home now.”

The two of them share another awkward silence as Eggsy walks Harry to the door and sees him out. Harry is only a few steps down the footpath when Eggsy decides once and for all that he needs to know.

“Harry about that night…” Eggsy calls, stopping Harry in his tracks and the man turns to look back at him. “You was serious?”

“Yes, Eggsy,” he replies. No grand gesture, just stating a simple fact.

Eggsy pauses and chews on his lip, processing the information, before finally looking Harry in the eye.

“I'm sorry I took advantage of your feelings then.”

“Goodnight, Eggsy,” Harry says with a bittersweet smile and turns on his heel leaving Eggsy standing in the doorway until Harry finally wanders out of his sight.

* * *

Eggsy returns from his suspension ready to take on the world, and tears his way through multiple missions in the following weeks. He snaps up any and every assignment that comes his way in an effort to reclaim his place as one of Harry’s most brilliant agents, and puts the whole suspension nonsense behind him. Eggsy soaks up every congratulatory ‘Well done, Eggsy’ and ‘Exemplary work as always’ to fill the chasm of festering guilt and doubt in his gut. He does his job and he’s damn good at it until it comes crashing down around him about a little over two months into his reactivation.

To be fair, it’s really a laboratory that ends up crashing on him, but that hardly makes up for it.

Eggsy’s mission had been a botched job from the beginning with shoddy intel and a lot more hostiles than expected for a single agent operation. Still, Eggsy had managed to achieve the assassination of his target, with minimal collateral damage aside from the laboratory and Eggsy himself. The last thing Eggsy remembers is stumbling exhausted off the plane back into Kingsman HQ with his arm tucked protectively against his chest and some searing pain in his leg.

He wakes again groggily in Kingsman medical and one of the doctors informs him that aside from the usual scrapes and bruises, he’s also recovering from a dislocated shoulder, broken wrist, and a few second-degree burns to his calf and ankle. He’s pretty sure he can hear the muffled sound of familiar voices somewhere in the background, but trying to focus on it takes more mental fortitude than he can summon at the moment. He manages to give the doctor a thumbs up when asked about his pain level and he slips off under the pull of the meds.

Eggsy spends the next 48 hours in bed under observation until the doctors decide he’s rested enough to be released. He spends most of the time sleeping, eating and trying to not poke at the blisters on his leg. Roxy stops by once, briefly, before she has to leave on her own mission, but she pats his uninjured arm and wishes him a speedy recovery. He also gets a visit from the handler who had overseen his mission who apologizes profusely between sobs for screwing up when evaluating the intel. While Eggsy appreciates the apology and concern for his well-being, he’s glad when one of the on duty nurses finally chases the handler out.

By the time Eggsy is ready to be discharged, he’s given up expecting a visit from Harry. Of course, the man decides to show up while Eggsy looks like a proper idiot, half dressed and trying to get his shirt and sling to cooperate with each other.

“Need help with that?” Harry asks, catching Eggsy off guard and the agent stops his struggling and looks at Harry like a deer caught in headlights.

“Well that’s creepy,” Eggsy mumbles when he shakes off his distraction.

“I’m sorry?” Harry says, trying not to take offense.

“What’s that thing they call it when ya think somethin’s happened before?” Eggsy asks while he fusses with buttoning his shirt one handed. “Déjà vu?”

“Is this a bad time?” Harry asks, wondering if perhaps Eggsy shouldn’t be under observation still.

“Not at all. Ya didn’t have to come check up on me y’know.”

“I know. I just wanted to see how you were feeling.”

“Been better, that’s for sure,” Eggsy sighs in defeat when he realizes that he’s managed to mismatch half of the buttons.

“Here, let me,” Harry says and steps closer reaching for Eggsy’s shirt.

“It’s fine, I can—”

“I insist. You’ll be here all day otherwise.”

“Thanks,” Eggsy grumbles, and a small part of him is rather put out that Harry is swift and completely clinical in setting Eggsy’s shirt to rights. Eggsy ruthlessly squashes that thought down.

“So how long will you be out?”

“Doctor’s say I should recover in about two months.”

“Well Kingsman will be happy to see you return, Eggsy. Even if you are occasionally defeated by buttons,” Harry chides when he steps away.

“Oi, piss off!” Eggsy huffs, but there’s no heat behind the words. “It’s not like ya won’t see me around anyway. Gotta come back for physio and all, and I need to meet my Merlin harassment quota.”

“Indeed. He would be inconsolable otherwise,” Harry replies and gives Eggsy’s uninjured shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Just try not to get yourself quite so banged up next time.”

“No promises,” Eggsy calls after Harry when the man leaves the room, and Eggsy swears he can still feel the weight of Harry’s hand on his shoulder. He shrugs it off and winces when the motion sends pain lancing through his injured side.

* * *

_Merlin_  
_Attachment: 1 image_

**OMFG izzat a bb pig?**

_Yes._

**so cute im gonna die D:**

_None of that now. I need my agents ready to kill a man at the slightest provocation._

_Channel the cuteness into rage to speed your recovery just so you can punch something._

**u got it boss**

_How are your mother and sister? Do you need anything?_

**nah we good thx**

Eggsy smiles and sets his phone aside before burrowing further into the couch. Although he has tons of experience with it by now, being injured still pretty much sucks by Eggsy’s estimation. He feels worthless while can’t really cook, or clean, or do anything to pull his weight around the house yet. He’s also constantly reassuring his mum that yes, he’s still being paid, and no, he won’t lose his job over this. It would probably be a lot easier if she knew what his job was, but they’d come to an agreement long ago that some things were better left unsaid.

He's not going to be able start physiotherapy for another week yet, so most of his days involve him being a lump on the couch wrapped up in a duvet with JB, catching up on daytime dramas unless he's minding Daisy. Right now, the only things keeping him from going completely ‘round the bend are Roxy’s constant texts and Merlin’s unending supply of baby animal pictures now that the man has warmed up to him again.

He hasn’t heard a word from Harry though, and if he’s honest with himself, the shameful little attention craving part of him is devastated at the absence. He assumed Harry might have at least sent him a text to check that he was still alive. Then again, Eggsy has been a right prick to him, constantly chasing the man away.

“Somethin’ wrong, babe?” Michelle asks when she catches Eggsy sighing for probably the fiftieth time that evening. “Need me to get your meds?”

Eggsy shakes his head. “Nah, I’m fine mum. Just thinkin’ is all.”

“Thinkin’ anythin’ in particular?”

“I’ll let ya know when I figure it out,” Eggsy says.

* * *

Within a couple of weeks, when Eggsy is able to get up and about, he starts to accompany Ryan and Jamal whenever they can make a trip to the shops for him and his mum. Eggsy doesn't take no for an answer when he offers to buy their families some food while they're out, claiming it’s in exchange for their exceptional buggy driving and grocery carrying skills.

He also makes a trip every few days to Kingsman’s medical facilities to check on his progress and do his therapy, which is admittedly complicated by his multiple injuries to the same arm. Still, the doctors are confident that he’ll recover quickly.

Occasionally, Eggsy catches a glimpse of Harry around the halls, but Harry always seems to be heading to some meeting or other and the two of them never really stop to talk. Eggsy would accuse the man of avoiding him, but that’s what he wants isn’t it? For Harry to leave him alone, so he can bury his own conflicting emotions and start thinking straight again.

* * *

Eggsy finally screws up the courage one night when he and his mum are curled up on the couch, watching the telly while Daisy sleeps upstairs, to ask something that’s been on his mind for longer than he cares to admit.

“Mum was bein’ with dad worth it?”

“Eggsy? What—” Michelle sputters, completely caught off guard by Eggsy’s seemingly random question.

“I mean, ya loved him and we never really talk about after... When things weren't so good,” Eggsy says with a shrug, as if he could actually pass this off as a casual conversation. “Was what you and dad had worth that?”

Michelle turns off the TV and looks at her son, trying to gather her thoughts. She honestly doesn't know what to say. Part of her wants to ignore the question or tell Eggsy not to worry about it, but there's something about the way Eggsy looks at her that makes her heart break. It's a look she hasn't seen since he was a little boy and Lee was still alive. He’s looking at her like he still believes his mother has all the answers in the universe and could never be wrong.

Michelle sighs and braces herself for the inevitable churning of old grief she feels when she thinks of Lee.

“Yeah babe,” She replies stroking a hand through Eggsy’s hair, and he sinks a little closer into her side. “Of course it was worth it. Ya wouldn't be here otherwise.”

“But what if I wasn't?” Eggsy asks. “What if ya never had me?”

Michelle crushes the feeling of sorrow that her son’s words bring. She doesn’t know what answer he is looking for, but she hopes she’s up to the task. She slides her hand down Eggsy’s cheek and tilts his head so that she can look him in the eye.

“Eggsy your dad was the love of my life,” Michelle says, her voice hitching a little on the admission. “I wouldn't give that up for anythin’, even if I could go back knowin’ all that I do now.”

Eggsy doesn’t say anything in reply, but he nods and catches her hand in his.

“Babe, why’re ya askin’ all this?” Michelle asks.

“Mum I messed up,” Eggsy chokes and his voice cracks a little as he wraps his uninjured arm around his mother and buries his face in her shoulder. “I messed up so bad. He hates me now.”

“Eggsy no one would hate you,” Michelle croons and pats her son’s back, not quite sure how to protect him now that he isn’t so little anymore.

“Everyone should hate me,” Eggsy hisses, his words drenched in self-loathing that Michelle can’t reconcile with her boy. “Ya always pretend like ya dunno exactly what I’m doin’, and I don’t mean my job either. Runnin’ around doin’ stupid shit and ruinin’ everythin’.”

“Now that's not true and you know it, Eggsy. Look at all ya done for me and your sister. I’d hardly call that ruined, yeah? What could ya possibly do that was so terrible?”

When Eggsy refuses to reply and just shakes his head, Michelle tries another approach, not sure that she wants to know the answer. Yes, as Eggsy said, she does have some inkling of what her son gets up to, but she’s never commented on it because there are some things a mother and her adult son don’t really talk about.

“Is this about that letter from the clinic?” she asks.

Eggsy jerks away from his mum and looks up at her. “How did you—”

“It was crumpled up on the floor next to the bin,” Michelle admits. “I didn’t read it when I saw where it was from. That’s your business.”

“No. I'm fine mum,” Eggsy says emphatically shaking his head. “I just... That's just me being cautious.”

“Well at least you're smart about that,” Michelle sighs in relief. “So why all this then? Why ya so curious about your dad and me, and worried about people hatin’ ya for?”

Eggsy mulls over the question and considers everything that’s gone wrong in his life the past several months. There’s really only one answer, and if he couldn’t admit it out loud in his own words to his mother, how would he be able to tell anyone else?

“I kinda think I'm in love with someone. He's a lot older though and I... I just treated him like shit, mum,” Eggsy says after a moment, and the admission feels less like a weight off his shoulders and more like an anchor around his neck. “I walked out on him like he didn't even matter. Like he was anyone else I'd... y’know.”

“And what that's it? He never spoke to ya again or somethin’?”

“No. He still talks to me, sometimes. Is proud of me even,” Eggsy says with a bittersweet smile. “But it’s not like it were before.”

“Eggsy, look at me,” Michelle demands and only when she has her son’s full attention does she continue. “Are ya sure ya love this man?”

“I dunno,” he replies, and his admission breaks off into a sob. “I dunno how to love anybody but you and Daisy.”

In that moment, Michelle’s heart shatters and she’s never felt more like a failure of a mother, wondering how she could manage to raise her own child to be terrified of something like loving someone else.

“Oh baby boy. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” she croons and wraps her son in a tight embrace.

“I dunno what to do.”

“Me neither, babe, but maybe ya should talk to him?”

Eggsy lets out a bitter laugh at her words.

“Everybody keeps sayin’ that, but it’s the hardest part,” he says and leans back a bit to look at his mother. “I dunno what I even _want_ to tell him. Every time I think I got a handle on things, I panic and say somethin’ to make it worse, y’know?”

“Well, if there's one thing your dad and I learned in all the years we were together, it was that we could never go wrong with an apology,” Michelle says, wiping the tears from her face because her son needs her to be strong. “Flowers help too.”

Eggsy considers her advice for a moment. He knows he owes Harry an apology; a real one with some groveling thrown in for good measure, maybe. He wonders if Harry would appreciate flowers.

“Think he wouldn't expect that.”

“Well, there ya go.”

“Thanks mum,” Eggsy says, knowing it’s not really going to be that simple, but it’s a matter for another day. For now, he decides there’s nothing wrong with admitting he sometimes still needs his mum to make everything better.

* * *

Flowers, Eggsy learns, actually mean a lot.

Now that he’s decided to go the proper apology route with Harry, he pops by a florist on his way home from physio, and is immediately overwhelmed with the veritable explosion of colors and smells covering every available surface. He knows in theory they’re all unique and have different meanings, but he didn’t expect this to be quite so complicated.

“Can I help you?” asks the young lady in a bright green apron at the counter.

“Uh, yeah. Lookin’ to get flowers for someone,” Eggsy says.

“Obviously,” the woman replies and rolls her eyes for good measure. “Did you have something particular in mind?”

Eggsy thinks that maybe he deserved that one, but he considers his options. Roses are traditional, right? But he’s pretty sure that’s only for people who are dating, and he and Harry most certainly are not. Yet.

“I kind of messed up, like really, really badly,” Eggsy finally admits. “I’m not sure what they like ‘cos we’re, well we’re close but not like that? I mean, I hope we will be sometime, but I’ve got a lot to make up for first.”

“Alright, did you need them today?”

“Uh, no, not necessarily. Why?”

“Well, we can place a special order to ensure you get just what you want and they’ll be fresh so they’ll last a bit longer.”

“Uh, sure, sounds great.”

“Alright. Let’s talk about your options then,” the woman says, and guides Eggsy around the shop, pointing out different blooms that would work together in a bouquet while Eggsy asks a few questions of his own.

It takes a few days for the order to come in, but Eggsy considers it worth the wait when he picks up the arrangement. He’s wavered back and forth over the past few days as to whether he should just pan the whole flower idea and give them to his mum instead, but well, he spent time and consideration on them. And hell, they say it’s the thought that counts, right? Either Harry is a hopeless romantic who will find it sweet, or he’ll be completely baffled but at least hopefully appreciate that Eggsy’s trying.

Or maybe he’ll tell Eggsy to sod off and throw the vase at him. Unlikely, but you never can tell with some people.

Eggsy tucks the flowers into his good arm and calls for a cab, feeling only a little bit stalkery that he timed his arrival to the florist to coincide with when Harry typically leaves the shop. By the time Eggsy gets to Harry’s, Harry should be home. His creeper tendencies pay off when he arrives at Harry’s house and can see the upstairs lights filtering through the smallest gap in the curtains. Eggsy clambers out of the cab, and pays and dismisses the driver before he can get cold feet and try to run home. The cab pulls away and Eggsy’s suddenly dry throat clicks as he tries to choke back the apprehension that rises from looking up at Harry’s house.

“It’s now or never, right?” Eggsy sighs to himself and scrapes up all of his courage to approach the front door. He fumbles for a moment when he has to reach with his still-recovering hand to ring the buzzer, the other arm clinging desperately to the flowers so that the won’t fall.

Harry answers the door and Eggsy thinks his timing might have worked against him. Harry in a suit he can deal with. Harry sans jacket and tie with the top few buttons of his shirt undone and sleeves rolled up makes Eggsy’s brain go offline for a few seconds.

“Eggsy, what are you doing here?” Harry asks, his tone obviously surprised, but not unwelcoming. “You should be resting.”

“No, I’m good,” Eggsy blurts, trying to reassure Harry. “I mean, not _good_ good yet, but uh better good. That… isn’t even English, sorry.”

“Are you alright?” Harry asks, and Eggsy is pretty sure the man probably thinks Eggsy’s having a stroke or something with the way his mouth is spouting nonsense.

“I had to come see ya. I… need to apologize.”

“Alright. Care to elaborate on what in particular you need to apologize for?”

“Can we not do this on the front steps?” Eggsy asks, shifting the weight of the flowers as his arm grows tense, which causes Harry’s gaze to linger on them for a moment.

Harry wordlessly steps aside and motions Eggsy into the house. The two of them stand awkwardly in the foyer for a moment while Harry locks up, but Eggsy is not to be deterred.

“I-um… I got these for ya because I never seem to say the right things, the important things, to ya” Eggsy says, as he holds out the bouquet for Harry. “In fact, I’m probably gonna say plenty of stupid stuff before the night is out, but I figure you’re a smart guy and can figure out that these mean a lot that I can’t always put into words.”

“Thank you, Eggsy,” Harry says, accepting the flowers and Eggsy smiles at the sincerity in the man’s tone.

“Care to follow me?” Harry asks, but the question is rather unnecessary as he knows Eggsy would fall into step behind him regardless. Harry marvels at the simple, but lovely arrangement, noting white tulips, something blue that might be hyacinth as well as a few sprigs of lilac. He sets them on a table in the sitting room, and gestures for Eggsy to have a seat.

“If it’s all the same, I’d rather stand, thanks?” Eggsy says and wrings his hands now that he’s no longer got anything to hold to distract him.

Harry nods and leans against one of the arm chairs in an attempt to look less imposing, but remaining on equal ground with Eggsy.

“I wanted to apologize for well… that night we spent together,” Eggsy says. “I know I already apologized for taking advantage of your feelings, but there’s more to it than that.”

“Oh?” Harry asks, not giving an inch or making this easier on Eggsy, but still receptive to the young man’s explanation.

“I mean, we both got caught up in the moment, yeah? But I’m not sorry that we slept together,” Eggsy explains, defiant in his tone. “What I’m sorry about is I didn’t think about how it would affect our relationship before hand. I should have considered that you’re my boss, and more importantly, a friend. So, I’m sorry that I didn’t think about the implications of my actions.”

“Eggsy, I think the onus rests on both of us for that,” Harry sighs. It’s not something that he likes to think about, but he is older than Eggsy and therefore doesn’t have the excuse of youth to justify his own mistakes. “This has all been a bit of a cock up on both sides, and I should have been more responsible as well.”

“I… I appreciate that really, but let me finish, Harry,” Eggsy says.

Harry nods silently and waits for Eggsy to continue.

“I also want to say, I’m sorry I… I just left ya.” Eggsy pauses, choking on his words because this is the most shameful thing to admit to Harry. “I was scared and stupid, so I ran, and that was cruel. I can’t—”

“You weren’t looking for a commitment, Eggsy,” Harry says calmly. “I understand.” And it’s the truth. He’s had time to reflect on their actions and come to terms with the fact that perhaps things just weren’t going to work out in the first place.

Eggsy huffs in amusement at Harry’s easy acceptance now when he wants to actually explain things to the man.

“Nah, ya really don’t,” Eggsy says. “I don’t love people. Or well, I mean I’ve never _been in love_ with anyone.”

Eggsy pauses for a moment, letting his words sink in and waiting for some response, but instead Harry seems to be waiting for him to continue.

“My mum and dad were in love y'know? Then he up and died on her and she ain't never really recovered. When she finally started to get it somewhat together, she met Dean and she loved him. And then he used that to his advantage, apologizin’ and pretendin’ to be nice after every fight until finally she was in too deep and it weren’t love keepin’ her with him, but fear,” Eggsy explains, and it feels rather unsettling to just lay out all of his family’s secrets in the open, even though Harry already knows them in theory.

“Eggsy, why—” Harry starts, but pauses when Eggsy steps within arms length of him.

“’Cos, I might be in love with ya and I need ya to understand why that is absolutely fuckin’ terrifyin’,” Eggsy says.

Harry finds himself stunned into silence, merely staring back at Eggsy and he can almost see the veritable storm of emotions lurking just under the surface before the young man speaks again.

“It’s why I ran off that mornin’. Hell, V-Day nearly killed me thinkin’ you was dead and we hadn't even...” Eggsy steps back and shakes his head, as if he can dislodge those memories, before he continues, “I thought about what I would say to ya while you was recoverin’, but the longer I waited the less hopeful I got. Then, after I spent the night with ya, I realized I can't be like that when ya go,” Eggsy’s voice cracks a little and his words are pleading at this point. “I can't be that weak.”

Harry takes a step forward into Eggsy’s space and ever so carefully rests his hands on the younger man’s shoulders.

“Eggsy you do realize that I send you into situations that will likely kill you? It is your job to kill, lie, steal and be willing to die simply because I am the one who ordered it.”

“That's different Harry. That's the job,” Eggsy says refusing to look at the man.

“That could get you killed long before I die,” Harry says and slides a hand to Eggsy’s jaw, tilting his chin until the younger man is forced to look at him. “Eggsy, everyone dies sometime and, whether you like to admit it or not, someone is always going to be left behind.”

“Best not to get too attached then, innit?” Eggsy asks and tugs Harry’s hand away from him, he doesn’t let go of it though.

Harry sighs and prays for patience. Of course Eggsy has the audacity to show up on his doorstep with an apology on his lips and proclaim his love for him, but now he’s talking about detachment and inevitabilities _._

 _‘He’s trying to push me away,’_ Harry realizes. _‘He’s afraid.’_

“Is that what you think?” Harry asks. “Eggsy, I think it's a little to late for us not to be attached in some manner, even if only as mentor and protégé.”

“Yeah but... I'm an agent,” Eggsy says, as if his title explains everything. “If one of us dies ya don't spend the rest of your life in mournin’. Ya didn't with Lancelot. Ya have to train up the next batch and move on.”

“Eggsy what makes you think you're just a name in a file that I can replace? None of my agents are entirely expendable. You least of all,” Harry replies, and pulls Eggsy into his arms.

“I have to be. It's all I know how to be to anyone. ‘Cos otherwise that would mean ya...” Eggsy trails off, his face mere inches from Harry’s.

“I...” Harry murmurs with an encouraging nod.

“Ya care about me?” Eggsy says hesitantly, glancing up at Harry.

Harry sighs and briefly considers smashing that flower vase up against his own head at Eggsy’s deliberate obtuseness, but instead he settles for telling Eggsy, “I’m afraid it’s a great deal more than just caring at this point.”

“You’re in love with me?”

“Yes,” Harry says as simple as breathing. “I am very much in love with you, Eggsy.”

Eggsy nods and has to look away from Harry for a moment to mull over the information. Theoretically, he’s known this all along, but it’s one thing to know something and another to actually hear Harry say it. His fingertips nervously tap out a staccato beat against Harry’s arms while Harry waits patiently for Eggsy’s reply.

“And... I can be in love with you?” Eggsy asks, cautiously meeting Harry’s gaze again as though he’s still unsure that any of this is real.

“That's entirely up to you,” Harry says. “I can’t _force_ you to return my feelings, Eggsy.”

“But I can if I want? I mean, ya know I’ve never—and I’m probably gonna be completely rubbish at this. But you’d let me try at least, right?” Eggsy stammers, but his voice is hopeful.

“Well, I sincerely doubt it could be more disastrous than things have been so far.”

“The world won't come crashin’ down on us or anythin’, yeah?”

“No guarantees, but I think it should hold up just fine,” Harry says and pulls Eggsy in for a kiss. It’s a soft, sweet press of lips that doesn’t last long before Eggsy snakes a hand around Harry’s neck and pulls him in for a more playful hint of teeth and tongue.

A few moments later, Eggsy grumbles against Harry’s lips, “Okay, this is really sweet and all, but I’m still under medical orders for ‘no strenuous activity’.”

And in that moment, Eggsy realizes he’ll do almost anything to hear Harry laugh like that, no matter how much of a fool it makes him seem.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, come find me on my tumblr [@oggalahad](http://oggalahad.tumblr.com).
> 
> Given the themes in this series, I feel it is my duty to be fandom mom for a moment and remind you all to always practice safe sex and get tested. Also, always know what your flowers mean.
> 
> White Tulip – forgiveness (standard for apology bouquets)  
> Blue Hyacinth – sincerity and wanting to move forward  
> Lilac – first feelings of love, beginning of a romance, moving slowly


End file.
